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Mesk's Conspiracy Theories
I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?
The Santa Conspiracy
Santa is really the Devil!!! Yes, really! I mean come on, this one is so obvious!
Consider the following:
He wears red, and we all know what colour the Devil is. This way if some of his skin shows it won't look so obvious, and we all know what colour his nose is!! All that sherry? No way!
He wears a false beard. Every child discovers this on their second or third visit to the Mall Grotto but is fobbed off with a story about this not being the real Santa. Of course it's the real Santa! He needs a false beard to disguise that big pointy chin and little black goatee beard!
He always wears a hat, this is to cover his horns of course. That baggy coat and thick belt is to disguise his tail!
Consider his workforce, elves and gnomes working for no pay whatsoever? Where could I hire a workforce like this? Surely employment law and the trade unions have something to say here. It all sounds pretty devilish to me!
He doesn't pay his staff because he has no money. He gives his merchandise away for nothing more than a glass of sherry and a mince pie! This is hardly a profit-making venture is it? So what's the motive?
Children only get toys if they're good all year. Doesn't this encourage a culture of bribery? And how can you justify punishing a child in December for a minor transgression in January? Besides which, even the good kids don't always get what they'd really like, leading to disappointment, frustration and heartache and enormous pressure on the poor parents.
The whole operation makes me think of certain other large corporations. They drop their prices so low that their competitors can't compete and eventually go out of business. Then they raise their prices to extortionate levels when they dominate the market. Well, Santa can't sell any cheaper than he does and I can't see the other toy companies having a fair shot at the market here. One day, Santa will be the only toy supplier and then his prices will rise and rise. One day toys will cost you your very soul!!!
Consider delivery, how does he visit all those houses in just one night? It can't be done! He must be omnipresent, at least, and in all recorded history there have only been two Beings reputed to have this ability, God and the other bloke!
How does he know who's been good and who's been bad. He has to be omnipresent, same arguement as above!
He associates with horned beasts with cloven hooves. They all have names, these are obviously familiars of some kind. They can fly, goddammit, and they didn't evolve that ability on the Latvian tundra now did they?
How does the sledge fly? There are no obvious turbo-fans or rotor blades. And as for the speed, could a craft like this really cover every continent in one night without causing a sonic boom and being intercepted and challenged by every air force capable of flight. Don't tell me Santa has better stealth technology than the US Air Force. The sledge is a myth designed to throw us off the trail!
Santa always wears warm clothing. I guess it could get cold riding in an open topped vehicle at supersonic speeds, and it certainly gets cold in Latvia in the winter. Personally, I think Santa is used to a warmer climate entirely (and it gets pretty darn hot down there doesn't it!)
Which brings me to my next point. Despite all Santa's published abilities, his preferred method of entry is via the chimney, and at the coldest time of year too. How does he survive all the fires? Because the fires are a darn site hotter where he comes from!
Lets talk about names. Old Nick or Saint Nick, where's the difference?
The final argument is perhaps the most persuasive. Consider the spelling of his name. Dyslexics have known the truth for years!
Give it up Santa, we're onto you!!!!
